Ask PCA Your Youth Sports Questions

The Hot-Air Fan -- September 2008

In the stands at your child’s game, you hear another spectator berating the officials. Over time, this fan’s criticism grows louder and more pointed, with a sprinkling of foul language. You notice other spectators glancing at the fan, and you sense a volatile situation developing. None of the coaches seem to be paying attention to what is happening in the stands and you wonder what your responsibility is in this situation.

What, if anything, might you say to the fan?
What other action might you take to correct the situation?
What concerns do you weigh as you decide how to proceed?

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Posted by David Jacobson at 08/21/2008 02:48:19 PM |

Ethically, that's a tough one. It's not my responsibility, so if possible and time permits, I would alert security of the event first. If time did not allow, I would quietly ask that person to validate their critism and explain why they believe they are accurate in commentating on the officals of the game.

Whether I agree with the person or not, I would just be a listener and let them vent to avoid a criminal volatile situation from developing, sometimes people just need to vent. I am a good listener, so if I could help it would just be to let them vent.
Posted by: Paula Trujillo ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 6:28 PM

I would remove my child from the game and inform the coach why I did. It would then be up to the coach and league officials to deal with the issue.
Posted by: r petrichick ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 6:47 PM

The obvious concern is that in today's world people seem to be more hostile than in the past. Also one must fear retaliation from some individuals.

However at a youth sporting event it is unreasonable for an adult to use profanity. I personally would "gently" ask him to voice his concerns more appropriately in the presence of children. If my own children heard me then my number one task has been accomplished by demonstrating good sportsmanship and pointing out what is not acceptable. However if things became out of hand...well prayer and a cell phone!
Posted by: Kristin ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 7:31 PM

I am fortunate! I have been coaching for 35 years and in my sport, I never had that problem. However, I would try to communicate with the heckler and assure that person, I am not infallible, I am doing the best I can to be fair, please bear with me.

Please help me set a good example for the athletes by refraining from vulgarity. Perhaps you would be kind enough to meet with the officials after the game an tell us where you think we have gone wrong so that we can avoid the same mistake in the future. Above all I would be careful not to exacerbate the situation.
Posted by: Bob Soldivera ( Email: | Visit ) at 8/21/2008 7:35 PM

I compliment the officials and cheer for the kids on both teams. Most of the time this type of people will leave on their own when they see the contrast between their negative actions and others' positive attitudes. As scum hates the light, negative people run from positive atmospheres.

Try it, it works!
Posted by: Patrick Holden ( Email: | Visit ) at 8/21/2008 7:44 PM

A player should never be penalized for the idiocy of a fan. All leagues or events need to have a code of conduct signed as part of the application process. Field monitors need to be present at every game for a whole host of reasons. If a fan gets out of hand, it can be brought to monitor's attention. The monitor will then need to make a judgment call as to whether to personally handle the situation, or to call security and/or law enforcement to remove the person from the event.
Posted by: J Alexander ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 7:49 PM

What I would say to the fan depends on my role in the stands...parent, Booster Club Board, etc. As a parent, I would probably find a school or team official and alert them to the situation. If none were available, I would most likely (and have) say something to the effect of the official doing the best they can, even if it seems one sided--we all have a unique perspective.

It can get frustrating, but our words aren't going to change it. From another view, if I were at a club sport game where I am on the BC Board, it would be my responsibility to remind the fan that their negative action can directly cause a penalty to the players of his/our team (our HS lacrosse league) and we all want support our kids. A 30 sec-1 min penalty would definitely hurt the team.

I have had to do this several times this past season alone--although it is not popular, it is the right thing to do. The irrate fan is spoiling everyone's experience. As such, it is everyone's responsibility to do what they are able to turn a negative into a positive.
Posted by: Barb ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 8:26 PM

Well, it's no mystery that parents can get a little too wrapped up emotionally in youth sports. I have found that by approaching the person in question, quietly and respectfully, as another parent and explaining the negative effect his/her comments are having ON MY CHILD is usually enough to make the offender become aware they are a little out of control.

In any case, they know someone is watching and that also helps modify their behavior. It's worth remembering that a "fan" is short for fanatic. This type of behavior has no place at any youth sports event.

I personally have spoken up in cases like this, and it always amazes me how many other parents would instantly call the police if they saw a parent hitting a child and yet stand by quietly as a child is emotionally abused in a youth sports event. I do not see the difference.
Posted by: Frank Mc Mahon ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 8:44 PM

Each sport has different circumstances due to the proximity to the playing field, physical barriers etc. I have been faced with the situation several times over the years as a coach and as a parent. What seems to work best is to try to engage the individual by asking questions like "Gosh you must have been a great player (usually then never played the game). What is it that you see that makes you so upset?"

Once you get them distracted from the game a bit, maybe even agree with them a bit, I then ask if they have a child in the game? The conversation continues. In one instace at my daughter's soccer game the offending spectator did not even have a child playing. My question to him was, "So why do you feel compelled to distract these kids and ruin their game?"

He walked away angy but he walked away. In a recent instance at a Lacrosse tournament in New Jersey I confronted a parent on my son's team as he was pacing the field screaming at the players and refs. My first question was politely asked, So I bet you played lacrosse? The answer was no he had not played.

My next question was, "so why are you yelling at the players and the officials?' He replied "Because I think this is what the coach wants". My reply: "Well that is interesting, but what if you are wrong? Then you are hurting the team."

He stepped back and thought for a few seconds. I then said "My rule as a parent is to never yell anything duirng a game or practice that would embarrass my son in front of his teammates, opponents or the fans." We then stood there and looked at each other, then he smiled and quietly moved to a spot along the sidelines and was nothing but supportive of the kids and officials the rest of the three day weekend.

I believe that a calm approach that allows for discussion and thought are the best approach. Confronting people is a bit scary for many people. By taking an inquisitive approach and asking questions the offender seems to think about what is going on and it defuses the situation.
Posted by: Hal Tearse ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 8:51 PM

I'd be surprised if that fan stayed in the stands too long if the game had an umpire. In our local league, the umpires are no nonsense. If the comments are loud enough for other fans to hear it, I'm sure the umpire is getting an earful as well. Our umpires will toss you in a heartbeat if you are conducting yourself in such a manner.

If the 'fan' fails to leave the park, local PD is called in to escort the individual from the fields. While we are waiting for PD to arrive, both teams are pulled from the fields and placed in their dugouts.
Posted by: Jim Shu ( Email: ) at 8/21/2008 10:34 PM

Well thought out comments from everyone, I especially agree with Jim Shu, and would add this.

At most leagues or tournaments, the umpires are directed to stop this kind of nonsense immediately.

As far as becoming personally involved with the nut, and that is the problem, you have no idea what kind of nut you have on your hands, avoid any conversation or contact with the individual.

Some of you have spoken to these nuts, and I applaud the effort but I firmly believe you could put yourself in a hell of a mess.

I hold a belt in Okinawan Karate, and I still would recommend this, if the umpires have not taken care of the issue immediately, there should be a league director, a tournament director or someone in charge.

Go find that person after you feel the situation is getting out of control. That is a call that is sometimes hard to make, when is too much, what is too much, but there are very wise people on this forum, and it makes it easier to explain, as you know what is too much or you would not be reading or commenting.

Physical violence is what must be precluded, unless law officials are forced into dealing with it.

The verbal abuse is bad enough but these things will escalate, and often do if not stopped after the first few comments, if the comments are truly inflammatory. Never put yourself in harm's way, not to say you are putting the league official in a dangerous position, but find that person ASAP explain the issue, and if the official is alone, at least gather and stay in sight, so the offender knows there is more than one person to deal with, if he/she should decide to come apart any further.

If the offender appears to be looking for physical confrontation, get on a cell phone and call 911, trust the Law Enforcement will not be offended if nothing happens. It takes a person with the kind of intelligence I read here to know, so that is very encouraging.

I would also suggest that maybe both teams retreat to the outfield corners with backs turned to the event and listening to the coach, they need not hear or see this kind of thing if the dugout is near the scene.

In a true Karate match if one opponent is injured and the contest stopped, the fighter who [usually by accident] landed the blow is to go the far edge of the ring, and with back turned kneel until the injury is treated or contest is stopped. It is respect to the opponent and at younger ages is a method of avoiding them witnessing the pain, treatment, humiliation and so forth.

Good Karate teaches non violence with all effort unless there is simply no other choice to protect yourself or anyone from immediate attack. You just cannot know how far a person who would cause enough disruption to create a need for intervention, even verbal at first, might go.

I would be surprised also nowadays with the signing of conduct pledges and added awareness and no-tolerance policies, that anyone making comments will last more than two or three comments before the league officials take matters into their hands or call for law enforcement.

But if they do not act, find them and they will, and at worst, if no one will respond, then use the cell phone. Police would much rather come on a call to prevent.... than to stop or worse clean up. They will not mind.

Of course there is always the possibility of the overzealous wanting to see a police action, we live in a weird world, and don't want a fan who has certain rights to cheer, misinterpreted.

But keep yourself out of contact with the individual, and get it stopped, by calling the LAW asap if the on-site umpires or officials are for whatever reason, unwilling to deal with the problem.

And of course good judgment is needed in making a presence so the official is not faced with a possible violent situation alone. No need to look like a group of vigilantes, but don't leave the official alone. The hot air people are generally bullies and most all bullies will back down in a heartbeat.

This is all way out there and should never happen. Just make sure that the innocent are moved out of harm's way, and stand by so if something should get way out of hand, there is not one person alone who has to deal with it.

If you attempt to talk to someone who has no sense to do this in the first place, are considered a possible real problem, and even the most common sense, polite comment may be all they are looking for to vent in a worse manner. If talking with someone as described would do any good, they wouldn't be out of hand in the first place.

Overall I doubt you will ever have to deal with anything like these examples, but if it happens, stay clear and let the trained individuals do their job.

With the good sense and comments I see, if we fill the stands with those of you who read, study and are concerned with this, we will have no problems.
Posted by: Will Babbitt ( Email: | Visit ) at 8/21/2008 11:55 PM

That is, perhaps, the beauty of what we try and mostly, successfully achieve, in the AYSO. Although, patience must be maintained, in increments the lout can be either controlled or ousted from the game.

For example, an assistant coach or a team parent may offer to the extremist the Kid Zone Pledge which the oaf may read and sign. Basically, the pledge states clearly that loud, obnoxious, or profane behavior is not tolerated at a children's match. And the pledge further states that a violation of its tenets requires the "spectator" to vacate the pitch altogether.

If reason cannot be obtained, then a coach may request assistance from the referee. The referee, during a match, has the right to oust the "spectator" be he/she a parent, family member, or community passer-by. If that level of reason is no longer available the available officials in charge of the surrounding pitches may then call the police and charge the "spectator" with violating the terms of the permit issued to the organization. Simple.

Soccer is not immune from outrageous acts of spectators. But people in organizations can be pro-active by creating a policy of non-tolerance for acts by spectators contrary to a child-centered environment.
Posted by: John H Borja ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 12:45 AM

As a parent, coach, Rec board member and an official unfortunately I have had to deal with this before. In our league we make all the parents sign a code of conduct. If an incident like this occurs the official knows to automatically pull the coach to the side and let him know that he/she needs to get his/her parents under control.

If it continues then the game will be forfeited. I know this is harsh sounding and it kinda punishes the kids, but you would be surprised what peer pressure will do. Once the coach goes over and lets the parents know that if they don't settle down they are going to cause the game to be stopped, this usually puts them on the spot and then the other parents put enough pressure on that out-of-hand parent that they quiet down.

We have only had 1 game where we actually had to proceed any further and the game was actually called and so was the police. It only took one time and the rest of the parents on other teams got the word that this type of behavior wasn't going to be tolorated and it has improved greatly.

Of course we are not perfect and you get one that doesn't act right every now and then but it usually doesn't last very long before the peer pressure of all the other parents in the stands get it and it quits. If at any time that it goes totally out of hand right from the beginning, the game is stopped and the police are called. That way we don't have to worry about any charges being brought against us or the officials. We just let the authorities handle it.

Our only concern is to give the children that are there to play ball the best environment possible. I think alot of parents and coaches lose sight alot of time of the real reason they are there, and that is to be positive role models for the kids.
Posted by: Shelly Sauls ( Email: | Visit ) at 8/22/2008 5:50 AM

I would remind the spectator that they are there to support the team and their child. I would let them know that their actions are not only embarassing the team, but that their child's self-esteem and the team's performance may decrease. I would ask them to keep their comments to themselves and to be a fan!
Posted by: Jessica ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 6:14 AM

I WOULD BUY HIM A HOT DOG AND SODA!

When someone is in a blind rage, it is impossible to effectively communicate with them until they come down a level. How do you bring them down a level? You must do the unexpected and get their attention.

I would walk up to him with a hot dog and a soda and say, “Hi, I am ___ and I see why you might be upset, let’s have a hot dog and talk about it. You don’t want your son or daughter to see you like this and I would love to hear what you have to say.” Simple and unexpected while validating his/her feelings.
Posted by: Greg Baney ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 6:37 AM

This topic has yielded a very interesting and wide array of responses.

For our own fans, we should have a systematic approach to addressing such issues and in no way should it be tolerated. Parents should have a code of conduct, side line fliers are good reminders, and administration should be in place to monitor it all. For our fans acting out, start slow and go firm quickly.

Have a blue print response for each. Easy- I hear you Bob, but I don't think that comment will help the kids. Middle- I really think coach X is not going to be happy with you chewing on the ref. Firm- Bob, our organization does not allow these type of comments. You need to stop. Use the admin you have in place if they do not stop.

As for the other team's fans, I personally am opposed to a parent addressing an opposing team's fan. If the fan is argumentative (and PS sees your team as a combatant), by default we can assume he/she will welcome the "debate." At best you are creating a tipping point, one in which things will get better, and one in which things can get much worse.

People addressing the other team's fans should be trained and authorized to do so. Alerting such person is our responsibility, but the down side of escalating a bad situation is too great to address an opposing team's fan.

Just because I don't like addressing opposing team's fans doesn't mean I don't think there should be a system in place to do so. USLacrosse has developed a Purple Card program for youth sports (I believe with the PCA?). This is a great idea for youth programs.

I especially like its attempt to make it a mutual effort of both teams (not just the home team's job), and it also goes a long way in educating the fans (before there is a problem) about what is expected. It also give you a team side line representative ito bring your concern to their attention. This allows them to deal with the situation with a pre-detemined course of action.

Here is a minor example of what is wrong with addressing your concern to an untrained person. Situation- A very competitive girls youth lax game in which the fans (due to space constraints) were very close to the players' benches. A very volatile fan was pacing with a small child in tow, no more than 5-10 feet from the opposing team's bench.

She started ranting early and continued all game. She was directing comments at the officials, at the opposing team's coaches, and at the opposing team's players. When the coach asked her to not direct comments at his bench, she attempted to escalate the "argument."

Finally, at a stoppage in play, the coach asked the opposing team's coach to control the behavior of her parents, which were making direct comments to officials, players and coaches. The opposing coach's response was more or less so what. She nor the parent was trained as to what the expectation was, and it left little room for improvement (unless you wanted the official to suspend the match, etc.).

What was lacking in this situation was clear expectations, and a plan of actions for when those expectations are not being met.

So my rules of thumb are:
1. Control your own through a sytematic, pre-thought-out approach
2. Don't engage in sports without proper adminitration and a game plan in place
3. If problems arise, bring it to the proper person's attention so we can use the system established to monitor it.

This should be easy in league play, because policy and procedure should be established ahead of time. If you don't have policy, create one. Here is the link to the USlacrosse youth program
http://www.uslacrosse.org/youth/sportsmanshipcard.phtml.

Look to take your policy even one step forward. Make it proactive, and rewarding. We are using the purple card program, and we are discussing an award for the club with the best sportsmanship over the course of the season. (Coaches and side line matters will rate the opponents, after every game).

If you are at a tournament and a proceedure is not specified, ask. The more of us that ask for such guidance in tournament play, will let the organizers know how important we think it is. They will be forced to create an enviornment that is conducive and maybe even rewarding to good sportsmanship.
Posted by: Chris Carroll ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 8:06 AM

In 30 years of coaching soccer I've seen this often. As a spectator, particularly when my own children are on the field, I always approach the parent in a very low key, cordial manner and ask them to explain their point of view. Sometimes, by engaging them, they are distracted long enough to cool down. In most cases, the loudmouth is doing it to demonstrate their feelings so as to impress other spectators. To ignore the person in silence implies consent and often encourages them.

On two occasions as a coach, after hearing especially heinous heckling by parents of my college players, I left the sideline and casually wandered into the stands silently taking a seat right next to the heckler. In both cases, after a brief period, the offender turned to me and asked "What are you doing up here?"

I softly, and in a nonthreatening manner replied, "I wanted to see what it was you can see up here that we are missing down there that has you so worked up."

That took the air out their bluster in both situations. Each time, it was enough to get them to lower their voice and state their concerns in conversational tones. After hearing them out, I simply stated I was going to quietly return to the sideline. I said I hoped they'd enjoy the rest of the game, and reminded them they were setting an example for other spectators, the players and representing our institution. Both situations ended without further incident. I'm not suggesting this is a universal response, it just worked when I needed it.

On one occasion, as a spectator, I approached two dads who were feeding off each other to ridicule not only the officials, but their own sons and their teammates! The technique I described above did not work with them, and they continued their assaults causing embarassment to our team and club.

Immediately after the contest I sent an email to our club's director of coaching and to the email tree established for our team families. I indicated that I would not allow my son to participate further until the club addressed the matter of unruly spectators. By return email the director of coaching, who just happened to have been at the game and witnessed the poor conduct (but did nothing at the time) supported my position, as did almost all of the other families.

All parents were reminded by the DOC of the club's policy regarding sideline/spectator conduct and the two dads were specifically told that another incident would not be tolerated. Although the families of the two dads did not speak to me the rest of the season, nearly all the other families made a point of sitting by me at games to demonstrate their support of my speaking out.
Posted by: Jim Paglia ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 8:17 AM

The best approach is always the personal one. Often people don't even realize that they're being inappropriate, or what the effects of their behavior might be.

Ask if they have a child in the game. Point out yours. Ask their history or knowledge of the game. Ask what they're trying to accomplish with the "backstage banter."

People think they're being helpful by distracting the other team or throwing the ref/umpire off track, and they don't see their behavior as destructive. Then it's your moment to talk about role modeling, as in you are your child's role model - a good sport is a gracious sport.

Ultimately, it's the responsibility of the coach to lay down the ground rules from the start. Here's how we support each other at games, and if you don't I will authorize you to leave the field. Hold a team meeting at the START of the season and explain to the parents why it's important to be positive and supportive, and also clarify why negative behavior is destructive to the team and to the sports experience. That ensures a supportive and positive season from the start.
Posted by: maria ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 9:04 AM

I have had to deal with this situation several times, both with parents from my team and with parents from the opposing team. Asking the opposing coach to calm his fan did not work. Asking the league officials to step in did not work.

What did work was confronting the individual myself between innings. I quietly asked him or her to step aside with me. We stepped away from the other fans so our conversation was private. I acknowledged the parent was dissatisfied with the umpire's performance. I then stated his or her comments did not help the situation and soon would embarass his or her son. I tried to address the behavior and its impact, instead of the person.

I left for the dugout with a parting comment that our players want us to cheer for them, period.

I never felt prepared to threaten a parent, and I do not believe it would help matters.

I then learned to address this situation preseason. I make it clear to parents before the first game that arguing with umpires or other displays of negativity are not allowed.
Posted by: Geoff Kuhlman ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 10:30 AM

While no one person likes to be the pointman in a confrontation, this situation lends itself to a group effort. The "culture keeper" needs to be able to rally a group to calm the situation before it gets escalated any further.

What you say to a person who is getting more intense can vary depending on the situation. A group confrontation can be a fast avenue to settle the situation and limit an individual from becoming a target for this person to further his/her tirade.

The coaches in many cases are focused on the players and the game at hand, not the stands or the spectators. The "Culture Keeper" needs to allow the coaches to focus on the players and assist with the whole experience of the game/sport.
Posted by: Peter Sabin ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 10:45 AM

As a director and coach of a youth baseball team I have seen it all. We have a have a code of conduct signed and turned in by parents and coaches before they are allowed to be at the field. Umpires, directors and board members of the league can and will remove parents and coaches from the field for any unsatisfactory participation during the activity.

There are no warnings, we do not tolerate this type of ignorance, especially in front of the kids. We move swiftly to take care of the situation and get on with the game. A calm approach does work sometimes, swift removal works effectively, as the affender is embarrased by their action as they leave the field.
Posted by: w ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 11:03 AM

Over time this has become easier and easier for me since I'm a writer with a focus on youth athletics.

I take my notepad and my camera and I ask the offending parent if they can spare a few minutes to be interviewed for a magazine or newspaper article I'm researching, because I've been looking for insight into the thinking of an unruly parent.

It usually changes the tone of everybody within earshot.
Posted by: Don Lafferty ( Email: | Visit ) at 8/22/2008 11:11 AM

We have a number of options at our disposal. To the coaches' defense, with all the noise on the field, and their focus on the game, they probably don't even notice the hot air fan.

A more assertive parent might turn to the other parents first, and say something like, "He shouldn't be talking to our kids like that." Then, after winning peer support, get Mr. Hot Air's attention and say, "Hey man, those are OUR kids; check your tone and your language."

If we suspect a direct confrontation would be unfruitful, we can always enlist the assistance of a "field marshal." Our soccer club has red-jacketed volunteers who protect the social atmosphere. They have the authority to ask a person to leave the soccer fields, and our town's police will back them if the unruly fan is noncompliant.

Too bad we couldn't do something like the Jedi mind trick to make him more positive or complacent. A wave of the hand, and a subliminal vocalization and voila!
Posted by: Craver-Vii ( Email: | Visit ) at 8/22/2008 12:04 PM

If it is frst time isolated event, I would first call a time out, address the situation with the official and other coach stating the severity of the parent's behavior and plan to in not too dramatic fashion state that while we are here to compete, we will be forced to terminate the game if the behavior persists. I would encourage the coach or official based on our discussion to address the situation with the parent.

If there is history with the parent, we might be able to finish the game but then that parent should be under the discretion of the league board of directors and hopefully they have a conduct position statement. Then I would mobilize my coaches, parents to be in a situation to withdraw from the situation having trained them to be non-confrontational prior to point.

In youth baseball in Honolulu we had a situation like that. I was the "conduct commissioner" of our league and we had a code of conduct that would and did in one occasion, bar a parent from the field and the natural consequence was that while the child was allowed to finish the season, his father was permanently barred from the park. It never escalated past that point but I know it can be tricky.

In football, less control of the fans and basketball is usually very tightly packed... yet...has anybody looked into working with officiating governing bodies to have a position on that? If a team withdraws becase of a belligerent parent the win could also be assisgned to the offended team by the official??

That would sure be a wake up call for the win at all cost parents...as always. There is always the opportunity to teach a life lesson to the team during the time out and explain our situation that we don't do that around here and we will not compete in that environment even though there could be a natural consequence such as a forfeit or loss in a withdrawal as well...a good but perhaps painfull life lesson depending on the context of the game...in-season play versus playoff, state playoffs etc...honoring the game.
Posted by: Tom Harrer ( Email: ) at 8/22/2008 1:05 PM

The only year I did not coach or assist in coaching, I had a very volatile situation happen literaly in my lap. A parent, whom I thought was the other team's coach, was berating the offical and then proceeded to berate our team's coach right next to me.

I was sitting on the side line as a very involved parent and he was to my right. As time went on he got worse and his language worsened as well. Finally our coach told him to knock it off, but then became threatening to him as if it were personal.

All of a sudden this parent jumped up out of his chair leaning over me to try to get at our team coach, while our coach was just trying to do his job. I couldn't just sit there, after all he was literaly in my lap. So I put my arm up in front of his face and looked him into his eyes and yelled, "This is not about you. This is our kids' fun. Do not ruin it for them. And you are now embarrassing your own child, so sit down and stop it!"

Then after I did that is when other parents stood up and agreed with me and made him leave. Wow, that was a little scary at first but it shut him down. We as parents and coaches need to set the example for our children. They are learning from us. His poor kid probably never wanted to play again. I know that's what happens to a childs psyche.

Everything we do and say must be positive, even when an athlete is out of line. There are ways of handling the situation. But also those of us who are in this frame of mind must stand up and do SOMETHING. When we all sit back and wait for the other person to do it, people like that guy continue to act out at every event because he knows everyone is afraid to even say anything. So they continue.

We all have cell phones now. One could even anonymously call the police on them and noone would be the wiser. And the league officals can have that parent banned from all future games!
Posted by: Ava Goldhaber ( Email: ) at 8/23/2008 3:15 AM

I addressed a similar situation by e-mail within our own team's parents. The "culprit" apologized profusely. But strangely other parents "attacked" me saying "it was not my place; that parents have a right to express themselves."
Posted by: JB ( Email: ) at 8/23/2008 5:40 AM

If I know the individual, I will call them over to the side to talk to them. At the start of the season I have printed up rules for both parent and child conduct. What I expect from them and what they can expect from me. If I do not know the individual, I call time, approach the ump and ask the other manager to come to home plate. We need to deal with this ASAP.
Posted by: Herb Baum ( Email: ) at 8/23/2008 6:40 AM

During our annual umpire clinic, one of the more experienced umps related the following tecnique he has used to get rid of "hot air."

While seated in the stands, a blowhard continually berated the umpire. Finally our colleague found his way to a seat next to the annoyance.

At his next bellow, the taunter was interrupted,
"You seem to know a lot about rules and umpiring. Why don't you give your name and phone number so I can contact you and sign you up for umpiring next season."

With that, the "hot air" evaporated.
Posted by: Phil Schott ( Email: ) at 8/23/2008 9:35 AM

Pull over to the side and remind him he is being heard, and he is louder than he thinks.
Posted by: patrick chovanec ( Email: ) at 8/25/2008 5:30 AM

I spent four years as an athletic director at my high school. During that time it was my responsibility to keep the fans and crowds under control. I had hired "crowd control" on site but often I was the one called to intervene.

When a fan is upset there is usually some underlying reason. Their child is not getting the playing time they wanted or expected, they feel the opposing team is picking on the child either physically or verbally, or they are just under the belief that all officials are terrible! Through experience I found that the confortation approach did not work and often made the situation worse.

The best approach was to go up to where this fan was sitting and sit down next to them. Often the seats near this person were vacant anyway because everyone else had moved away. I would start the conversation by saying "Hey Mr. Blank, how are doing?" Of course the answer was always, "Terrible, these officials stink!" I would reply, "Oh yeah, what's going on?"

The fan would then spend the next 15 minutes venting to me about the officials, coaches, other fans, other players, etc.. Amazingly getting calmer and calmer as we talked. Just by being a good listener I was always able to quiet the person to a point were I could get up and leave the fan to watch the game quietly for the rest of the game.

The key to this approach is to do it early before the person gets too worked up. The beauty to this approach is that anyone can do this as long as the person knows who you are. Another parent or fan can walk over and be a good listener for a few minutes just to calm this person down. You don't have to agree with them or act like you support their feelings, just listen.
Posted by: Carl Benson ( Email: ) at 8/25/2008 6:50 AM

Is anyone familiar with the purple card program (link below)?
http://www.uslacrosse.org/youth/sportsmanshipcard.phtml

I would love to hear some feedback concerning this approach.
I strongly feel an organized, pre-thought out program, is far superior to any clever dialogue we may have on the fly. Most of the responses focus on shamming the offender into shutting up. Although that might work in an isolated situation, I do not think that is the way to build a new culture of youth sports. I really think we can do better than that.

By the sheer volume of responses, we clearly must recognize these situations are common, so why not have policy in place to deal with them? Think of the systematic approach the ushers use at a professional baseball game. They know fans will get unruly, so they have a plan of action, and are well trained in implementing it. We have volunteers for everything else (oranges, line fields, car washes, etc...), isn't an organized approach to how we will protect the environment of the game just as important?

To be honest, I think many of the things that I have read were very confrontational and in many situations could lead to trouble. Even if you are successful in shamming someone to cool it, you have not created a repeatable approach for others to follow.

I am also opposed to challenging someone's sports background in this situation. Does this mean that a person who has spent their life with a physical handicap is not as knowledgeable about a sport as another person, who happened to play the game 25 years ago (when you were 17)? It has no relevance, and I find it a leading and confrontational question (at best attempting to shame the person into shutting up).

Managing a side line is best done by creating expectations, fostering those expectations, and having a system of control for when expectations are not met. Almost everyone mentions a code of conduct, with only a few mentioning an action plan to make sure it is enforced, or a consequence for not following the policy.

I would also caution about going over the top. Excommunication of parents for life or forfeiting the game, etc... should be reserved for the most egregious and dangerous situations. It is like telling your child you will ground them for life for a minor offense.

It has no value if it is not well thought, fair and tempered (and you are willing to follow through). It is difficult to be well thought out, fair and tempered, when “we” are offended by what the Hot Air Fan is doing. Especially, if they are addressing comments at our child. You may be really good at calming people down, but if someone else tries to follow much of the given advice, they could end up only creating a heated debated or worse.
Posted by: Chris Carroll ( Email: ) at 8/25/2008 11:32 AM

1. Look for a league official to intervene.

2. If no league official is present, speak to your team rep if your team has one. Ask him/her to intervene.

3. Ask the offender if he/she is okay. Let him/her vent for a minute. Then remind him/her of the official parental conduct policy.

4. If the offender continues, seek out law enforcement.
Posted by: Dr. Mike Godfrey ( Email: ) at 8/26/2008 8:38 AM

To follow up my previous comment on my experience with this situation, the 3 keys are focusing on the issue instead of the person, letting the perpetrator see things from the players' perspective, and making him understand he (not the umpire) is responsible for his behavior.
Posted by: Geoff Kuhlman ( Email: ) at 8/29/2008 7:17 PM

This is interesting and an all-too-common occurence! A league at any level should have a safeguard setup for this type of behavior. This scenario does not mention such, so I will answer with the assumption that there isn't one.

As a parent I would have to intervene and try to disuade this fan by explaining what exactly he is doing and how it can only hurt the children involved because sometimes a fan can get lost in the heat of a game (good or bad) and once confronted with his/her actions will calm down. Put the game into perspective for him! Offer to take him for a walk to the snack bar to calm down a little because you know sometimes anyone can get carried away and lost in the game.

I guess I am trying to be gentle as to not make a scene, but if none of this works, explain that the parents, coaches, and umpires cannot tolerate this type of behavior and he will have to keep his criticisms to himself or you will be forced to call the authorities and have him removed, which will only cause an unwanted outcome.

I had an incident, as a girls softball coach, where a parent from the opposing team would heckle and ridicule my children as they came to bat. My first reaction was to approach the man and tell him to stop ridiculing these young girls. I explained that these were young girls and he was hurting their feelings. I said if you have to ridicule someone, ridicule me!!

He continued on heckling the girls, I called timeout and spoke to the opposing coach since he most likely knew the man. We both went over and asked the man to please stop, then explained to the ump what was going on. The man still continued and the ump stopped the game and we had to have the police remove the man.

I could not believe it! A grown man heckling 10 year old girls! I only feel bad for his child who had to witness her dad being removed from the park, and I tried to explain this to him when I first spoke to him but to no avail.
Posted by: michael rando ( Email: ) at 8/30/2008 9:52 AM

* What, if anything, might you say to the fan?
The best approach is to be proactive and appoint a culture keeper. In Lacrosse, the fans are on the other side of the field. Educate your parents beforehand and appoint "culture keepers" who can explain to the fan, "that is not the way we do things here..."

* What other action might you take to correct the situation?
Last season I had such a problem with the opposition's fans at an away game. I called timeout and stood between the ref and the fan and talked (so the fan could hear) to the ref a bit, he was visibly shaken. I told him I thought he was doing a great job and reminded him that the behavior he was experiencing was uncommon to lacrosse and was not acceptable.

* What concerns do you weigh as you decide how to proceed?
The most important thing is the safety of everyone present, including the ignorant fan. Remember, they have probably not attended a PCA seminar and do not understand the concept of honoring the sport. Also consider that they might have a child on the field and you do not want to embarrass the player more.
Posted by: John Thoms ( Email: | Visit ) at 9/5/2008 3:29 PM

As a coach, I usually know who my players' parents are, and if it's one of my parents making the raucus, I will get word to them to stop, and that usually works. Whether I send someone to talk to them or hand signal them, it usually works quickly and that's the end of it.
Posted by: John Lee ( Email: ) at 9/10/2008 1:02 PM

Give them a SUCKER to put in ther mouth. This is a nice way to silence them. They get the message.
Cyrus Robbins-R.C.
1/H/588
Desert Hot Springs
Posted by: Cyrus Robbins R.C. Region-588 ( Email: ) at 9/17/2008 7:10 AM

I would certainly say something to this person, and I'd say it in front of others. Yes, it would probably embarrass them, but I would tell them, "You are being rude and embarrassing me. Can you imagine how the players feel and other parents feel listening to your mouth?" I would continue to explain that this is a safe zone where cussing and demeaning talk is not accepted and to please leave the field if they felt they could not control themselves.

I have done just this and to be honest whether I felt the situation might be volatile or not, I would not back down, this is a bully and usually when confronted they back off. I have never had any problem with this escalating further. Of course usually there are plenty of other parents nearby that begin to back me up. They just need someone to step up and make the first move.

The reason I would not talk to this person quietly is because I want everyone to know what I said in case this person does get out of hand or try to cause a problem with me later saying something was said or done that wasn't. So rather than try to hide it, put it in the open, afterall, he opened up the can of worms by opening his mouth. People need to see that it is not acceptable and know that it will be taken care of.
Posted by: Kelly Lehman ( Email: ) at 9/17/2008 7:11 AM

First and foremost, I would tell the parents that profanity is not OK in the presence of children. In our organization referees are not paid so I would suggest if he thought he could do a better job then maybe he should volunteer. As a board member in our organization, I would also let him know that if he couldn't find a way to be positive or quiet, I would find a way to ban him from the fields.

I understand the parents that don't want to confront someone that is borderline hostile, but letting it go unaddressed is giving that person validation and encouraging them to continue. For the sake of the kids, it must be met head on by someone in authority. If you are not a league official, you should contact one and tell them of the situation so that they can monitor future games. If you are a league official, you should address the matter immediately, decisively and firmly. If doing so causes the individual to get agitated or even hostile, then call the police.
Posted by: Mike Fulton ( Email: ) at 9/17/2008 7:20 AM

I had to deal with this very situation earlier in the week, not as a coach, but as an athletic director and event manager. To make a long story short, I used the PCA Partner Tool for coaches about intervening on the sidelines with little success.

The fans refused to stop their behavior because they believed that heckling and harassing were inherent rights of spectators. The fans refused to stop their harrassment. When asked to leave the premises, they refused to do that, too. We are a small school, we don't have security, and I was left with quite a predicament. I felt that further confrontation between these fans and I would ignite aggression, so I asked myself, "What do I do now?"

Fortunately, the game ended a few moments later and the conflict was defused. However, I was still left pondering how I could handle this better next time. After speaking with the head of officials for our league, I found out that as an event manager, I can suspend a game for poor sportsmanship, and set my own conditions for resuming.

If the officials are willing to address the issue, they can also award sportsmanship penalties to teams whose fans are in violation of the sportsmanship code (they can only do this if the fans behavior is clearly in violation of a pre-existing sportsmanship rule). Those conditions can then be communicated to the coach of the team whose fans are in violation, and elicit their support in addressing the issue.

In sum, sometimes the most effective motivation to change the behavior of a beligerant fan is to penalize their team for their behavior. Furthermore, any coach can do this with their own team, and does not have to wait for a game manager to react. The important thing in my opinion is to clarify the behavioral expectations in advance (Positive cheers only), identify the behaviors that are in violation (negative or demeaning comments or chants, attempts at intimidation of the other team, ridicule of officials, etc.), describe a process for dealing with violations (one warning), and then clarify the consequences (expulsion from contest, suspension of game until the coach addresses the issue, sportsmanship penalties to the team, etc).
Posted by: Mike Terborg ( Email: ) at 9/17/2008 8:44 AM

Recently experienced this at a 9 yr old soccer game -- The center ref was maybe 15 and the sidelines younger. A fan was screaming at them to make a call. I gently reminded them that this was the adult side of the field -- they we not pleased, but they did stop
Posted by: John ( Email: ) at 11/20/2008 3:30 PM

I have been on all sides of this argument. And I do mean all. While I have ranted and been egged on by umpires who have targeted me in the stands to the point that they have thrown down their gear I never started this scene. I have also umpired more than two hundred games and had roles reversed on me. I can tell you that the previous was because of the latter being known beforehand. Did I react correctly? NO. But I have always appoligized to parents and coaches after the game. The only thing you as a parent should do is inform league officials of situation as early as possible. Especially if it looks like it is going to escalate quickly.
Posted by: richard solomon ( Email: ) at 12/22/2008 5:44 AM