Your child’s coach, whom you respect, approaches you for a private conversation after practice. Coach explains that your child, although a star player, is harming the team by overly influencing the game and calling for the ball too much. You think your child’s team plays well together, wins, and does not seem to mind the leadership your child exerts.
- What do you say to the coach?
- How, if at all, do you speak about this with your child?
- What is an ideal outcome of these conversations?
Posted by David Jacobson at 03/20/2009 04:27:20 PM |
As a parent, I would ask the coach what he sees as a balance for my child to play for personal improvement and for improvement for the team, trying to arrive at some common ground for agreement. With that information, I should be able to more easily talk with my child. Both my child and the team should be winners in the end. Learning to sacrifice is an important lesson for the growth of individuals in a team sport.
Posted by: Hamilton Manley ( Email: ) at 3/31/2009 7:16 PM
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I will tell the coach that I will talk with my son about continuing to understand the TEAM concept. If the coach perceives my son is a ball hog then we need to address it. I will tell my son that he needs to use his leadership skills in helping the whole team to become better. The outcome will be a better experience for all players.
Posted by: John Aaron ( Email: | Visit ) at 3/31/2009 7:26 PM
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First and foremost, as a fan of team sports, I undersand that no one player is greater than the team. I also understand the impact that "star" players have on the outcome. Balancing the two gets a bit tricky. If this was a coac that I respected, it would mean that he has the best interest of every player in mind, and wants what is best for the team and individual players. I would trust his judgement as a person there with the team every day, and who sees things without a parents bias.
When I talk to my child, I would be sure to let him know that his talents are a gift, but there is a fine line between wanting to contribute and selfishness. He (as I have four boys) needs to be encouraged to play to his full potential, but to also let his teammates do their jobs and contribute as well.
I believe the ideal outcome would be for the coach to use my "star" to the best of his abilities, and for myt child to understand the team aspect of the game. This may not always be the outcome, but it would be the ideal outcome in my eyes.
Posted by: Jacob Chase ( Email: ) at 3/31/2009 8:54 PM
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As a coach, I see it as my responsibility to teach the kids how to be team players. I can not see a situation where I would approach a parent to tell them their son/daughter is harming the team. That conversation should be between the coach and the player. If I had to reduce the playing time of the player to reinforce the point I was trying to make, I may find it necessary to explain to the parent why their child is not playing as much. (In the past I have had such a player and decided one practice to play a quick game of 1 v 16. At first they did get by several players, but after a few goals for the "team", the player began to get the idea.)
As a parent, if a coach did approach me on the subject, I would let them know they had my full support to do whatever they felt was needed to help my child understand the importance of being a team player. If they asked for advice on how they may best get the point across to my child, I would be willing to offer it, but only if was asked for. If it meant less playing time, so be it. I would also let my child know that I support the coach in their decision.
Posted by: LG ( Email: ) at 3/31/2009 10:25 PM
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Coming from a different perspective, I am a softball coach and have had to have a talk with my star player. (Whom is by far the best player on my team.) Instead of talking to her parents directly I asked her to talk to me (with her mom there just to listen). I told her that "it is obvious to you and the girls that you are the best athlete on the team but in order to be the best player it takes more. Yes, you can hit, throw, pitch and run but when you step up and become a teammate that is when you are doing your best. A big part of being in team sports is to include yourself not exclude yourself." I then asked her, "I am the coach of the team but I need you to step up as my #1 player and become the 'team captain' and help me teach them. The only way the other girls can become better is if they feel better. I need you to play catch with all of them." Of course, she then preceded to sigh. But I explained to her that if she only played catch with me or the assistant the other girls would never be able to catch her throws in the game. She cannot make every play on the field and she knows that the only way for the team to really be successful is to play as a team.
I had that talk with her before a game and right away everyone could see the change. She cheered on her team 'loud and proud.' She ran in from the outfield one inning and complimented her teammate, the pitcher that inning, gave her a high 5 and told her she did a good job. It did not go unnoticed, I saw it happen and immediately complimented her. After the game I gave her a candy bar and told her I was proud of her: not for her hitting, pitching or stealing but for her high 5. Since then she has turned around. She accepts not always being the opening pitcher because I tell her before the game starts. She plays catch with other girls and is on a rotation with them. Best of all she is not disappointed with her teammates and instead takes out the time to encourage them.
Posted by: Kim D. ( Email: ) at 3/31/2009 10:50 PM
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One of the biggest challenges in youth sports coaching is dealing with widely different levels of talent on any one team. I think the question should be answered differently for different sports.
In basketball, a "ball-hog" can greatly affect/limit the play of others. A single talented and aggressive player can get all the steals, take all the shots, and grab all of the rebounds. There is no opportunity for teamwork and game experience to be learned by other players.
It is much harder for a single player to dominate the game in baseball. Each player will at least get a chance to bat, field and throw on their own in most games. Football even more so.
A good coach should understand these differences. As both coach and parent, I never liked the idea of telling a star player "not to shoot" for the rest of the game, or "pitch a little slower" next inning. It's just unnatural and just doesn't do justice to the other players or the sport. Instead, I would make sure the star player understood the value of making a good pass to an open teammate (in basketball, for example). A good coach should let a star player (and all players) know that there is more to the sport than just being the one doing all of the scoring. In the first practice, I tell the players on my football team that my offensive line and blockers are the stars of the offense. The runners better come back to the huddle after a long run and give some blockers a high-five if they expect to keep running the ball.
As a parent, I would respect a coach that developed these team concepts from day one. If I saw this being done and the coach still thought my kid was not acting in the best interest of the team, I would listen to his suggestions. I would explain to my kid that the coach and I would be "evaluating" his performance on his overall play (passing to others, being a good teammate while on the bench, knowing when and when not to get the ball, etc.) and not just by how many points he scored.
Posted by: Jay in CT ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 5:39 AM
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What I would try to instill in my child is the understanding that through his God given talent, he could be such an incredible role model for the others on the team, but using that talent to show off how good he was, was not the way to do it. I would approach the coach and see if there was some way to enhance his talent, , however, at the same time I would enforce the meaning about being a team player, and how great an experience of being a team player can be, if no one person is thought to be better than the next.
One line that sums up how great a team sport can be is; the truly rewarding things in life are more valuable when they are shared. Talent alone, with no team to share wins and loses with,
is just not the same. I would make sure my child understands that.
Posted by: Betsy Underhill ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 6:55 AM
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went thru this same thing, coach was pulling my son out of game , sitting on bench or else putting him in as a defender or goalie which neither were his normal positions...he was at the point of dropping out of soccer entirely as was not fun for him. He was not a ball hog or showboat, just worked harder at practices an at home...he would lead in goals but ALSO assists...I ended up having him play up which was better for him an the team. He was able to progress an so were his old team mates...now plays for a regional team.
Posted by: gene ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 7:06 AM
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From a talent development perspective nobody is benefitting. The star player is not challenged, his team mates learn very little other than to give him the ball.
Coach and parents should find new ways to challenge the player, perhaps playing him in a team one year higher his age?
Posted by: Martin ( Email: | Visit ) at 4/1/2009 8:01 AM
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WELL I WOULD TELL THE COACH THAT MY CHILD POSSIBLY FEELS THAT IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS THAT HE IS THE MOTIVATOR AND FEELS A NEED TO "TAKE CHARGE", BUT WITH THAT BEING SAID EVERYONE NEEDS THEIR FAIR SHARE OF PLAYING. AND IF THE NEED ARISES WHERE HE IS NEEDED THEN HE SHOULD BE READY. THE END RESULT - THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAM. WE WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM-PERIOD!!
Posted by: ROSALIND WYKOFF ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 9:06 AM
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I have played softball since I was 8 (20 years ago) and I'm in my 2nd year coaching a stacked softball team of high school juniors. I try hard to head off any "diva-like" qualities off at the pass before problems arise. If a player thinks they are too good for a drill or cannot share playing time, I put them in their place immediately.
One thing I remind them of is that they are far too young to be primadonnas. The game is supposed to be fun for everyone. If coaches aptly assess their teams both on talent and attitude, almost all of the problems should be avoidable.
To get the point across, sometimes you have to make the "star" humble. If they are causing a problem by not being a team player, bench them until they can learn to control it. Since the game shouldn't be about winning and losing, this will actually help the team concept because now the rest of the team can actually play without constant distraction.
Posted by: K. Harpula ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 10:31 AM
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By telling your good athletes that they have a God given talent, and that is a wonderful gift-they need to develop their talent to the utmost. They do this by givng all the members of their team inspiration to play to the best of their ability whatever that may be.
If everyone feels that they have a contribution to make, no matter what it is-the team will be successful.
Posted by: Peter M. Ghiorso ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 11:20 AM
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This issue really struck a nerve with me since it happen to my daughter by a coach who went directly to her.
The coach told her she was dominating the game to much and should stop shooting. She did and it was very obvious to everyone that she was not playing with the same aggressiveness as before.
To make a long story short, when I found out from my daughter what the reason was I was very upset, spoke to the coach and suggested that she come up with some other options such as playing her in a difference position or having her shoot only with her weaker side.
The impact on my daughter was significant as it took the good part of 4 years before she was playing with the same level of aggression and confidence as she had before.
I wish the coach would have talked with me or included me in the conversation so that I could have helped ensure my daughter that she was doing nothing wrong.
Posted by: J.Williams ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 2:55 PM
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“Depends on the Parents”
I have been on both sides of the fence and let me tell you that it does not matter what you say or do, it…
“Depends on the Parents”
What will probably happen is that a coach will (or should) sit the player, bring him down from the roster (humble them) and as parents we should honor that. Again…
“Depends on the Parents”
But the reality is I have had parents tell me "You’re the coach...Coach!" I have also had them say things like "Oh I will talk to him" and nothing happens and my favorite (I am being facetious) "What are you CRAZY?, without my child your team would not be where it is at!!!!! We will see about this!!!"
“Depends on the Parents”
As a coach, you need to make a decision that is bets for the team. Team is not "That Individual and the rest of them” it’s a team! And if the professionals in any sport have demonstrated in the past decade or two, coaches lose control as they get older and if this is not controlled now, there is no telling.
“Depends on the Parents”
I as a parent would rather have a team that works together and give it their best, then to have a Superstar that wants to when they want to and disrupts what has been built around them.
So does it? Does it Depend on the Parents? Of course it does, you spend a majority of the time with them, coaches only have them for practice and games. The rest of the time they are yours. Yes you parents.
Coaches do you job with the team, not the individual, they depend on you.
Parents, support them.
Posted by: Charles Davis ( Email: ) at 4/1/2009 4:43 PM
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About dominant students and athletes in your team I mostly use comparison with high level professional athletes like Coby, Shaq, Lebron,Ronaldo, Jeter etc.Most athletes knows these players.
So it is easy to tell the group or team if they have ever noticed these players calling names during a game.
Posted by: Ramiro Hart ( Email: ) at 4/2/2009 5:41 AM
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J Williams- RIGHT ON!
As a coach of young girls, I find the opposite problem. Too many young girls are concerned how they will be perceived if too selfish, too aggressive, too competitive. They shutter at coaches critics of their aggressive play and it can take years to undue. Worse of all, it can negatively impact their development in hopefully becoming strong, confident and assertive adults (we don’t want doormats for daughters!). I ask each player to be super competitive, and our first rule of both offense and defense is:
Be dangerous! I also explain, this does not always mean going to the “rack” (or forcing bad shots), and it also (especially at younger ages) doesn’t mean short term rewards (being the only one to score). We may need to help open up teammates, so each gets better. (We may be able to win with one super star at this level, but at the next level we will need a bench full of this type of player). This language support strong play, while still working to build the team.
When a player shows the “Star” qualities, help them understand their situational role. Start with a positive… “wow you lit up the game first half, you are rock staring out there, that is exactly how I want us to attack the goal as a team. Now situationally in the second half, we need to work to bring our entire team up to this level of attack. As a leader, I need your help in doing this. This quarter I am looking for draw and dumps, drag three defenders if you can, and then we are looking to feed the off ball movement. Off ball girls, be moving because the pass is coming!” This dialogue rewards and strengthens all. Most importantly it does not undue the confidence we are supposed to be fostering through Youth Sports.
Posted by: Chris Carroll ( Email: ) at 4/8/2009 11:17 AM
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Q: What do you say to the coach?
R: I thank the coach for soliciting my opinion and tell Coach that I appreciate him/her. I ask Coach why he/she feels this way; what actions he/she took prior to prevent this from happening; and what actions he/she has taken since. These questions are not to critique the coach's actions but to fully understand the situation. Depending on the responses, I would reccomend that Coach discuss his/her opinion with my child in a manner that insures the child knows that Coach is not mad, disappointed, or upset with him but wants to improve the situation. I reccomend that Coach uses a goal oriented solution by reviewing the team goals and my child's individual goals with my child, reminding my child that the goals of all individuals must mesh with each other and the team goals in order for those goals to be reached. The coach may choose to share examples of other teammate's goals without attributing them to specific individuals to demonstrate how my child's goals can not only help the team achieve the team goals but help his teammates achieve their individual goals.
Q: How, if at all, do you speak about this with your child?
R: I would not speak about Coach's conversation with me. I believe that you risk undermining the relationship between the player and coach in this situation by doing so.
Q: What is an ideal outcome of these conversations?
R: The ideal outcome is a double win situation for everyone. My child, his teammates,the coach, and the team as a whole continue to improve and win.
My child learns an important life lesson: Subordinate leaders in organizations do not sacrifice their role as "the led" or as a "follower" in regards to their relationship with their leader. Short term or small scale successes can be achieved by doing this, but in the long run the organization will fail to reach its goals if subordinate leaders put their leadership above that of their superiors.
Posted by: Marty Bartram ( Email: | Visit ) at 4/9/2009 9:25 AM
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Sorry to disagree but having a star in a team is not a problem it is just great. Managing a star and get the best performance for the benefit of the team is one of the nicest coach challenge not a parent challenge (unless there is a behavior issue).
This is not a double winning situation, what kind of good can the coach expect from telling this to the star parent?
As a parent I would like to speak with my son if his/her behavior was wrong, no action is needed from a parent on playing style. As a coach I believe this coach had a wrong approach to the challenge, a better coach is needed for the team.
Posted by: ludovico giavotto ( Email: ) at 4/16/2009 6:13 AM
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Seems as if the coach has missed out on teaching the team concept from the beginning if he has a star player 'hogging' the game. An old adage I learned in my first year of coaching over 20 years ago that forever holds true is "You're only as good a team as your worst player". Your opponents will always key on your star, and if your other players cannot pick up the slack, AND your star cannot set them up, you are on the road to failure as a TEAM. I have beaten innumerable teams in my career that had a star way better than any of my players, but who didn't know how to utilize ALL their players when I keyed on stopping the star. My daughter was the star player on every team she played on, but my focus in teaching her was to 'Do the right thing no matter what it costs'. When teams keyed on her, she was a passer, even if we missed most of the shots in doing so. I told her as she progressed into higher levels of play, she would be working with better players who would make those shots, and at that point her being a complete player would free her from being keyed on and allow her the freedom to play unhindered. In the meantime, her teamates were learning how to play as a team and getting the chances to contribute in ALL phases of the game that they eventually learned. I have had other star players over the years, and when they understand from the beginning that we are only as sucessful as our least skilled players are, they really get into wanting those assists for their teamates to score too. When all your players are into the team concept and feel they are ALL contributing, EVERYONE has a really good time and positive experience! BUT, IT ALL STARTS FROM DAY ONE.
Posted by: HARRY E. SMITH ( Email: ) at 4/16/2009 10:35 AM
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As a parent, I would hope this never happens. But should it come up, I would fully support the coach on this matter per a team sport is as it is. A TEAM. You are only as strong as your weakest player.
Posted by: Catherine ( Email: ) at 5/14/2009 9:49 AM
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How do you punish the player for being good? With great difficulty...I would assume this is soccer an we are talking about a striker an strikers by nature, never get the ball enough, HOWEVER, the striker must know that the team consists of 11 players an the word TEAM has no "I" in it , it is a "we" team, not a "me" team, this said, an the player in question informed of this by the parent, I believe that even if the player does nothing differently, once other teams know this player, they will double team the player an prevent the player from being too successful, even to putting on their best defender on them all the time...it beoomes increasingly more difficult for the "star" to succeed without the team mates stepping up to make the play more successful an, thus, the team concept becomes more apparent. If this does not happen an the "star" is still successful scoring goals whilebeing double an triple teamed, GIVE ME MORE OF THEM....I can always set them out for a rest an let the others have at it...I have gone thru this situation, both as a coach an a parent. What happened was my son was an is a striker, he can finish well, he knows his job an is marked very closely...what helps his team is that he has other players that can finish also...when he is marked so tightly with more than one player, it leaves someone else open...they score, this has been so well done, they are nearly unstoppable as so many can score..son has learned how well this helps the team as he draws defenders like flies to honey..he can create space for his mates if he does not get the ball..he knows to try to finish or assist or create space an scoring opportunities for others..it is then, the team has multiple "stars" .When really young, he was unstoppable, as he got older, defenders became better, son matured to the point with good coaching that he knew that his job was NOT just to shoot everytime he got the ball, but to be a play maker in the team. I could perhaps answer this question better if known the age group of the player we are talking about...in any event, I do also concur, this is between the coach an the player...a parent should be able to see this at games an mention it to the player if it is obvious that the "star" is just plain shooting too much an not finishing...NOW, if the player is finishing...that is a different story...I WOULD NEVER PUNISH A PLAYER FOR BEING GOOD...as a coach, I would take the player out, let them have a rest an give the player some praise an further coaching tips...give me a midfield an forwards of this type for my team, no problems here....
Posted by: gene ( Email: ) at 7/30/2009 5:50 AM
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But what if your kid is not the star and is not getting the opportunity to learn the game because one child dominates, and the coach does not notice and/or care? Sport is soccer, league is recreational, age is K and 1? How do you approach the coach without telling him outright that he could easily let the dominating player play in goal or sit out a quarter or put restrictions on her to keep her from dribbling from one end of the field to the other regardless of the position she is playing? We are slaughtering other teams and this one young lady is very talented - scoring 10 goals a game - but she does not pass and will attempt to dribble through a group of five opposing players rather than give the ball up. The coach lets the kids play whereever they want and has no set rotation. Meanwhile her mother is on the sidelines shouting "Shoot, shoot".(I've played for 30 years, reffed and coached before, so I believe I'm not spouting off, but I do want my child to learn something!)
Posted by: Becky Bowen ( Email: ) at 9/23/2009 10:57 AM
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I have coached 3 teams at that age (K and 1st, probably U6 or U7 soccer), and as a coach it is painful to balance letting a dominant player enjoy their gift with making sure other players get play time to develop their skills. The normal format of 5v5 to 8v8 soccer at that age does not give a coach much flexibility other than sitting out the dominant player or having her play a defensive position (which usually means the other team can't score, but hopefully means teammates will get attacking chances).
Our soccer league did something great for this age. We had 3v3 or 4v4 games on two small fields simultaneously, ref'd by the coaches. After the first few games, the coaches usually decided to have the aggressive kids on one field and the "shy" kids on the other. That let all the players play in an environment where they could be competitive. Worth asking your soccer board to try next season.
Posted by: John Henderson ( Email: ) at 2/6/2010 11:23 AM
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