"My husband, while coaching our son's 7- and 8-year-old football team last year, had a public disagreement with one of the parents after telling the players to stop their horseplay on the bench. That incident scared him out of coaching, even though we thought we'd resolved the conflict with the other family.
"Now, the other family has persuaded our league to place my son on a team where he does not belong, and the league has done so without even hearing our side of the story. We should have had some say. It's just not fair to my son. So what would you do? My husband wants to have a talk with the parents. Me, I wish it would all go away, and I don't want to bring any negative attention to my son. Any advice would be helpful."
-- Anonymous in Culpeper, VA
To answer, click on the Comments link blow.
Posted by David Jacobson at 10/08/2009 12:12:03 PM |
As a former league director, I would request a meeting with the league president to discover the details of their decision.
What was the tone when your husband told the players to stop the horseplay?
I also wonder was your child replaced on the team by the next coach's son?
Posted by: Marty ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 1:54 PM
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Your husband should have a conversation with the league commissioner. They should be accountable for discussing this with you and doing what is right for your child. Hold them accountable, and communicate with them.
Posted by: Jim Spire ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 1:54 PM
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the correct corse of action is to have a meeting with the Leage to file an appeal based on the information you have provided. The public diagreement is vague. This should not be taken as a personel matter but more as a league situation. If all parties acted appropatly then the hurt feeling revenge should not occure.
Rules / guidelines of behaviour should have been established beforhand, an assitand can watch the bench while the coach coaches. the players need to play at their proper level of play and the parents need to step back and have the coach coach.
Posted by: John Wise ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 2:01 PM
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You need to make a stink. My wife and I were for too long cautious about leaving a dark mark next to our childrens name. This resulted in us standing by during some unjust behaviors. Our kids lost out more by our inaction than they would have if we stood up for what was right. Amazingly the parents who were outspoken kids were doing just fine. The reality is most of the board memebers for most leagues are like water and want to go with the path of least resistance. By rolling over and accepting your poor position you have helped forge that path.
Change the course by making the fair choices the least painful. Do so with civilty and integrity and no one will want to go against you.
Posted by: John ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 2:02 PM
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You need to say something, but not to the other parents. Instead direct your comments to the league officials. League officials placed your son on that other team not the other family (though they may have influenced the decision). All youth sports ultimately need to come down to this: "It is all about the kids." The League's decisons need to be based on what is best for the youth player and not the parents. That is what your discussion needs to center around with league officials. You may wish all you want but it will not go away until you make it go away. No one wants their child to receive negative attention but based on his team placement he may have already received it. Good Luck!
Posted by: Coach Lee ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 2:03 PM
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Just ratchet down the tension and find out the facts first, before you do anything.
If a parent is overly aggressive with a coach, the coach should immediately contact the league in writing regarding the incident. When your husband did not do this he allowed the parent to intimidate him, which resulted in him not coaching. The parent in question probably considered this a "Win" for their view of how things should be handled. This should be considered a separate incident from what is happening this year.
What happened in the past seems to have resulted in the other family exerting influence. But do you actually know if they did or not? Again, you should contact the league first to determine exactly why your son is on the team he has been assigned to. If you want to have some say in your sons team assignment, you have to contact the league and let them know what you would like them to do. You can do this casually, without making any formal declarations or assigning blame.
Never go to a third party for information you can get directly from the source. So, I would not recommend that your husband have anything to do with the other family until you resolve this issue.
I also do not recommend that you ignore what is happening, because things like this never do "go away." It is the responsibility of the adults involved to set an example for the kids they coach. Conflict resolution is part of that example.
Only you and your husband can determine what effect this will have on your son, the best possible outcome would be that it should have no effect on him, nor draw any negative attention to him whatsoever.
Posted by: Coach Bill ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 3:17 PM
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Not knowing the details around the "public disagreement", it is hard to say what your reaction should be. So, my next question is around the process that your child was assigned to a team and how did the other family persuade the league to move your child? Also, why doesn't your child belong on this new team? Is he too big, too small, more skilled, or what? Are there safety issues for the players if your child plays on this new team? Your first step is to contact the individual in the league who is responsible for team assignments and ask for an explanation. Be sure you have your reasons ready as to why he is on the wrong team. Also, ask this individual point blank if the earlier incident had anything to do with your son's new team assignment. If you do not get any satisfaction, then take your complaint up the ladder. Find out what policies your league has regarding complaints and what the formal process is for filing a formal complaint. If you think you are being treated unfairly, then step and find out why.
Posted by: Mark Busser ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 3:28 PM
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Tough to answer that one without knowing more information, like what "team where he does not belong" means.
Conflicts with parents are really tough to balance between coaching and friendships, neighbors and sometimes workplace co-workers. While these are parents of kids you coach, they are also people you might see on a regular basis. They have to be dealt with very delicately, and usually on a one-on-one basis.
I must say, that of all the coaching duties, dealing with parental issues is right up there with cutting kids from a team as my least-favorite thing to do.
Sorry to not have any better answer....
Posted by: Rustam Kocher ( Email: ) at 10/8/2009 6:45 PM
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I do not see how having a 7-8 year old football league could possibly be about anything other than the adults.
Relegating kids of that age to one of 22 positions when they are still in the very nascent stages of figuring out how to use their bodies and subjecting them to the rigors of needing to cooperate in a coordinated group activity that probably makes little sense to them has to be about adult project, adult ambition, adult interaction, adult activity. It has to be.
Kids in that age group are about play as a means of self discovery, self exploration, and are really just beginning to see the world of sports play as a means of interacting with others.
That said, having chosen to put your son and yourselves in that environment, the games adults play, especially those who have shown themselves to be proactive, can be quite rough. Many are the same-types you knew as kids who would hit you with an elbow going for a rebound because they could, or because they're thinking is, the world is a rough place, and the ball game is supposed to reflect that, or whatever.
The people who suggested a fact-finding mission by contacting league officials and gaining their support if they think it appropriate to get you what you think your son needs and wants seem to be on the right track. I have to caution that you might not hear what you want. If you want your son and your family to navigate in such worlds, looking for facts and assistance and not insisting on what "you want" might best serve your long term interests.
Posted by: Rich Cohen ( Email: ) at 10/9/2009 7:19 AM
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There are two separate issues; the other family and your son's team. With the other family, I would just proceed as though nothing ever happened...saying hello, not avoiding them, not bringing up the past issue; this will either allow healing to occur or they will respond inappropriately and it will make them look bad.
As for your son's team, please step back and weigh the pro's and con's of the new team...it could be a blessing in disguise. If it is a low skilled team, maybe he becomes a star; if it is a higher skilled team, maybe he rises to the level of those around him??? If your only reasoning is that you only believe that he was unjustly moved, please remember that being exposed to new team-mates and coaches is part of growing as a player and adolescent. If there is a compelling reason for you son not to be on the team assigned, you need to be you son's advocate...but remember, only pull this card if you don't have to use "I think it would be better" or "I think it is unfair" in your explanation. He is too young, small, etc. are good reasons. His friends are on the other team is not a good reason...kids make new friends easier than you think.
When lamenting about switching clubs (my son liked his current team-mates and coach but there was an opportunity to play at the club close to our home), a good friend once told me "he will play wherever you drop him off". We switched clubs and my son transitioned just fine!
Good luck!
Posted by: Coach Steve ( Email: ) at 10/9/2009 8:01 AM
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PCA RESPONSE BY JOE SCALLY, DIRECTOR OF TRAINING AND EVALUATION
Conflict between coaches and parents is an unfortunate reality of youth sports, but the most important consideration in youth sports is the education and welfare of the players. There are a few things you can do to make sure your son's interests remain at the forefront.
First, consider whether your son has been appropriately placed based on league criteria for size, age and skill level. If not, there is likely some process for appealing the placement. But first ask yourselves "Why doesn't my son belong on this team?" If it's unsafe, or his skill level is seriously mismatched, you should take this up with the league administration.
If it's some other reason, consider whether there are benefits to staying on this team that outweigh any downside. It's important to ask your son how he feels, so that regardless of the outcome, you can support him in having a good experience this season.
If you decide to appeal, base your appeal on the rules, not on what the other parents may have done. Asking questions and remaining calm and civil will reduce the chance of any negative attention toward your son. Whatever team he winds up on, ask the coach what you can do to help out. Your willingness to be involved will enhance your son's experience.
I'd discourage bringing this up with the other parents. You risk adding fuel to a fire, and it is unlikely the family would do anything to help your son. After resolving the issue of your son's placement, your husband might give the league leaders his side of the public disagreement story. He should be willing to examine what he might have done differently, and the leaders may have had similar experiences that could give your husband valuable support and direction.
Posted by: Joe Scally ( Email: ) at 10/15/2009 6:08 PM
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