When Praising Children Goes Too Far
By Nick C. Sortal, South Florida Sun-Sentinel
9/5/2005
New research shows that parents trying to build self-esteem in
their kids may be setting them up for disappointment
The praise starts at infancy - nice burp, Johnny! - and swells
during early childhood. After all, you've got to pump up their
self-esteem.
The fawning surges during elementary school - wonderful essay,
Lakeisha! - and continues through high school and college. We throw
graduation parties and buy our children new cars because they made
it through.
Then comes that first job, and their world collapses. They can't
handle the criticism.
And we wonder why.
Some psychologists and authors are backtracking on their earlier
directives to praise, praise, praise. They say over-praising
creates overinflated egos, not positive self-esteem. It also overly
protects children from experiencing conflict and failure. Something
to think about as another school year begins.
Among those making a U-turn is Florida State University psychology
professor Roy Baumeister, who for 30 years attempted to document
the value of positive self-esteem, only to experience "one of the
biggest disappointments of my career."
The praise pendulum has swung from one extreme to another, he
says.
"Parents used to worry about spoiling their kids, and so they
criticized lavishly and withheld praise," he says. "Now they worry
about self-esteem, so they withhold criticism while praising
lavishly."
Baumeister now advocates a balance of praise and criticism. The
heart of his turnaround came as he studied how survey data was
collected: Because the information was self-reported, those with
higher self-esteem naturally overreported their successes; the
negative subjects exaggerated their failures.
Self-esteem's role has long been overrated, says child psychologist
David Anderegg, author of the parenting book "Worried All the Time"
(Free Press, $24).
"Research on its importance is incredibly weak and always has been
incredibly weak," he says. A Scientific American report this year
and other publications agree with him.
Tips for parents
However, there's hope for those adults who pump out too much
praise, experts say. You can be helped. You can still encourage
your children and prepare them for the days when not everyone gets
a trophy.
The praise that especially gets a bad name is the empty kind - the
"good job" parents give after a B-minus essay or a half-made bed.
The kids sniff out that air of patronization, and the adults'
credibility is shot.
Plainview resident Helene Spielberger, 40, agrees. There is such a
thing as overpraising, she says, especially "when it seems phony."
She says she praises her 10-year-old son when "he plays baseball or
when he talks nice." In school, if he's diligent, she'll say, "you
tried your best." But "if he doesn't study and doesn't work hard,"
she says, "then that's a different story."
Pat Pacifico, 65, on the other hand, says she does not believe
there is such a thing as overpraising. "There's no better gift you
can give to them - no better security," says Pacifico, a Dix Hills
mother of four and grandmother of eight.
Still, praise falters when it is not truthful or specific, says Jim
Thompson of the Positive Coaching Alliance, a Stanford University
nonprofit group that encourages coaches to dish out five
compliments for every one criticism.
Still, too many coaches and teachers go negative too often, he
says.
"We tell coaches if you have to err, err on the side of being too
positive," he says. "The problem with criticism is that it drains
your emotional tank."
The Positive Coaching Alliance's reason for pushing praise is to
build self-confidence, not self-esteem, he says. If you don't know
the difference, then you haven't taken an Algebra II final or stood
over a 4-foot putt to win the match on the 18th hole.
"You have to give criticism in a way kids can accept it, in a way
kids can actually hear," he says.
But what do you do when they add 2 plus 2 and get 5? "You don't say
'good answer,' but you can look for something positive. You can
say, 'You worked diligently on that,'" Thompson says.
School leaders and students buy into Thompson's viewpoint.
"There's a point in which you can praise so much that the students
wouldn't understand what they're praised for," says Ron Martorelli,
who teaches computer science and communication at St. John the
Baptist Diocesan High School in West Islip.
Martorelli says that when he hands out grades on a project, he
tries to explain why each student did - or did not - do well.
"There's probably always room for improvement, or to add to
something they've accomplished," he says. "If you overpraise, you
may cut off the student's desire to ... get to the next level of
learning."
That may be true for some students all the time, but not
necessarily for Jamaica resident Bianca Golden, 16.
She says she finds criticism helpful only sometimes. "It depends on
the teacher," says Bianca, a senior at Hillcrest High School. "If
it's one I don't like who keeps getting on my back, I think the
teacher's picking on me. But if it's a teacher I usually don't have
a problem with, then I accept it and try to improve my work."
Does effort count?
Then there's the self-esteem fostered by Gaylord's father in the
movie "Meet the Fockers," in which Dustin Hoffman's character
Bernie builds an "A for Effort" shelf and even displays his son's
ninth-place ribbons.
An overemphasis on building self-esteem is a very American thing,
author Joel Turtel says. He cites a study comparing Americans and
Koreans: The Americans' self-esteem was higher, but the Koreans'
math scores were higher.
"Overpraising gives children a false view of reality," says Turtel,
who argues in his new book, "Public Schools, Public Menace"
(Liberty Books, $17.95), that the public school system is partially
responsible.
"The parents try to make that everything's OK, but the real world
and the college admission office say, 'Wait a second.' When they
finally hit reality, they're at a disadvantage."
Some colleges report increased numbers of depressed students. One
reason cited: Some students enter with bloated self-esteem, pumped
up throughout their childhood. College is their first reality
check.
So, what's a parent to do?
"Obviously, we're not trying to go back to days when people
screamed at kids," says Anderegg, the child psychologist. But the
everybody-gets-a-trophy mind-set is just as harmful, he says.
Parents should help their children learn to handle the bumps in
life, not smooth over them.
And lay off the empty praise, even if it means just being silent.
Roll up your sleeves, realize that you're a parent instead of a
friend, and save the words "Good job!" for when you really mean
it.
"Kids recognize false praise, and they feel humiliated by it,"
Anderegg says. "They know some kids are going to get trophies and
some kids aren't.
"That's why parenting is so hard."
Save the kudos for when they really shine
Social psychologist Susan Newman, author of "Little Things Long
Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day" (Crown,
$14), offers the following tips on praising children:
Praise only when praise is earned and valid. For instance, don't
scream, "Good dive!" when the dive was actually a belly flop, or,
"Good work" when your child brings home a mediocre assignment
(particularly when you know he or she can do better). If you know
it, your child knows it as well, and will quickly see through
vacant praise.
When your praise is constant, you run the risk of your child not
having faith in what you say. Similarly, too much praise too often
leads to letdowns and, in some children, expectations for
themselves that are too high and unrealistic. End result:
disappointment in self and eventually the feeling of not being able
to win your praise and please you. A child who feels this way may
well give up.
Newsday's Amisha Padnani contributed to this story.