Ask PCA

Coach, Leader, Parent

Why Are Some Coaches Defensive When Talking with Parents?

"I am a mom of two. I have supported my kids through about 40 seasons of youth sports. I have also been a youth sports coach. My question: why do so many youth sports coaches approach parents from a defensive stance? For example, why, at the beginning of a new relationship with a coach or program, is it not unusual for me to be given a litany of instructions, usually in writing, in a commanding tone one would never use with an unfamiliar person? Why so adversarial? I already found the program, completed registration, paid fees, acquired supplies, and am managing logistical obstacles to ensure that my child shows up to practices and games.  Clearly, I am here, otherwise, my child would not be.

Why does it feel like the norm is that coaches want my money and my child, but otherwise hold out a 10-foot pole toward me as a parent? I know that youth sports parents can be overzealous and lose perspective. I know it's hard to manage the competing demands of coaching a team. I also understand that structure and rules ensure the most efficient use of time. But beyond that, I don't understand why the coaches who can relate to parents in a natural way seem to be the exception. It does take time to converse with parents and answer their questions, but I have learned so much from doing so.

For example, by being more open, I learned that one of my players hadn't played a team sport in years, after being set back emotionally by a harsh coach. My being open to parents and entertaining "taboo" topics like playing time actually saved time and improved the situation. When they write to me that they want my athlete to advocate for him/herself, I agree that that is a worthy goal, at some point. However, I know my child. I know that I have background and perspective to offer. I could help, but my help might not be welcome. I feel like there's a whole culture supporting this attitude, and it only prevents folks with already poor interpersonal skills from growing. I would hope we all recognize that the sovereignty to which coaches believe they're entitled can lead to injuries, confusion and the internalizing by children of cryptic and ineffective messages--and that's when the coach is paying attention! Finally, this is our family, and this time is my kids' childhoods. Those "infallible-style" coaches drive an awkward wedge into our family groove by demanding that only one of us can speak, and that potentially growth-promoting topics are off-topic. Thoughts?"

Response from PCA Lead Trainer, Joe Terrasi

Thank you for your thoughtful and important question. As a coach, teacher, school administrator, and parent, it is a particularly meaningful one to me. You asked why coaches approach parents from a defensive stance. While I generally agree with your own answers to that question, I will also make a suggestion for both coaches and parents as to a possible solution. As you correctly indicate, many of our wonderfully devoted (and usually volunteer) youth coaches have not had the same training in child development and parent collaboration as our teachers have. Truth be told, however, as a younger coach - who was an experienced teacher as well - I often struggled to apply my teaching skills to my coaching. The unfortunate reality is that we have a system to develop our classroom educators, but nothing similar to prepare coaches. As a young coach, I studied my sport’s tactics, skills, and techniques voraciously, but for years I knew nothing of developmental sports psychology, coaching science, best practices in sports parenting, etc. Moreover, there was no suggestion or sense of urgency that coaches needed to study these foundational topics.

You also mention that some youth sports parent can be “overzealous and lose perspective.” That is a bit of an understatement. Most experienced coaches I know have faced at least one parent who is combative, unkind, and toxic. While they are few in number, just one can be incredibly difficult - even to the extent of damaging or ending a coaching career. Some are comfortable attacking coaches’ integrity viciously and publicly. Of late, social media has made it even easier for an angry parent to seek retribution. Partly because of this, as a young coach I was very specifically taught by my (otherwise wonderful) mentors to keep players’ parents at arm’s length or farther. The premises of the preceding two paragraphs set up a volatile conflict. You hit the nail on the head when you surmised why the problem exists; I’m just adding detail.

More importantly, how do we mitigate or avoid the problem? First of all, we need to continue to demand that we improve the education of both our coaches and of our parents. Both camps need to recognize the areas in which they could use further growth: Coaches who are experts in their sport may not have similar expertise in child development or collaborative education. Parents who are otherwise excellent models may not have an understanding of the unique and challenging issues in sports parenting. When both groups aggressively strive to adopt a growth mindset, we have the foundation to educate both to be better collaborators. (As a bonus, modeling a growth mindset is one of the most effective tools to develop a growth mindset in our children.) The “infallible-style” coach you describe and similarly “infallible-style” parents are both examples of folks who are mired in a type of fixed mindset that we would never accept from the children we are trying to develop.

Finally, a specific and urgent suggestion for both coaches and parents: It is absolutely imperative that coaches and parents create early positive contact with one another. We need to get to know each other as people and develop respect and regard for one another well before problems arise. It is important that we identify and recognize each other’s role and responsibilities and that we show each other gratitude. As part of the early positive contact, we need to clearly define a process for how we will collaborate to address any issue that may eventually arise. This includes coaches and parents identifying their expectations for how each other will behave if we disagree. Thanks for your excellent question, and thank you for your commitment to youth sports.