My daughter's high school basketball coach has recently had what is in our opinion inappropriate behavior. Her male coach showed players a video in which a feminine pad was stuck on someone's neck after a woman jumped off that person's shoulders. My daughter confronted the coach about his inappropriate conduct and he asked her if she has had her period? Is that out of bounds or is that aspect of health-relevant for a coach? In addition, he calls the players "loves" and chastised non-Jewish players for attending a Hanukkah party. The hardest part of this is knowing that in high school the player should take the lead on responding to the poor boundaries of the coach, but realizing the dramatic power differential between the two and how unfair that match is. She was so upset she missed an exam the day after a confrontation with the coach and this is really disturbing her.
After the coach showed the maxi pad video to the team, my daughter wrote to the coach in a group text that he was "mansplaining periods and pads." He replied, "You have lived in [this city] too long. I don't mansplain anything. #BooFeminism." Many other texts showed he was acting as more of a pal than a coach. Most of the girls thought the coach was cool and fun and I et inappropriate comments roll off their back. My daughter didn't think his behavior was right, but she didn't want to be seen as a spoiler by her teammates. Other parents didn't realize what he was writing to their kids and I didn\ bring it up in the bleachers. My daughter didn\ know where to turn, and I wanted her to advocate for herself rather than have me fly in and fix it. I admit at one point my wife and I considered flexing our power by going to the head of school, but after reflecting on that we decided it was best for our daughter to work through proper channels available to her. The coach belittled her when she expressed her concern. She didn't feel comfortable approaching the AD because he is buddies with the coach. After all, the AD hired the coach, and he is starry-eyed by having a former pro coach at the high school level.
Response from PCA's Director of External Relations Casey Miller & additional advice from a parent after the season
I am so sorry to hear what your daughter is going through with her basketball coach. That sounds like an incredibly uncomfortable situation to go through. I played high school girls basketball, college basketball, overseas for two years and then coached the last three seasons at Menlo School (assistant varsity girls coach).
In my opinion (given my experience and working for PCA the last 5+ years), this coach's actions are totally out of bounds and inappropriate. I know sometimes it's hard to decipher tone through an email, but I don't see any plausible way that his comments (and showing that video) could be validated as appropriate, in any context.
It seems like for a 14-year-old girl this would be a very uncomfortable situation to try to confront and it shows a lot of courage that she's already tried ( and she was met with an even more inappropriate response).
I'm not sure the extent of your daughters and her coach's relationship, but I am wondering if she has shared with you what would help her move past the situation? An apology from him? Acknowledgment that it was totally inappropriate? Him not being her coach anymore? I think that would be helpful information to know before talking to the Athletic Director.
After going through this situation, this parent shared additional advice:
After I talked through options with my daughter, she approached a trusted woman on the school's academic staff who brought the concern to the dean of students. I took screenshots of the texts on my daughter's phone and emailed them to the school so management could see primary evidence. The dean promptly and assertively addressed the matter while protecting my daughter's identity. The dean said the coach's actions were contrary to the school handbook, which states that adults who use "personal email, texts or social media with students" may cross "the appropriate boundaries of the professional relationship." It allows direct electronic contact for off-campus games, stating that coaches should communicate in groups rather than directly to individuals. The school is looking into best-practice technology platforms that sit between coaches and players so the communications can be stored and monitored.
The school acknowledged that part-time coaches don't receive the I eve I of training and oversight as full-time employees and pledged to address that going forward. I notified the school that I would be on the lookout for any whiff of retaliation against my daughter for being a whistleblower. A growing body of law protects people, especially women, coming forward with claims of workplace misconduct and youth athletes should know that. This episode also taught me to reach the school handbook for professional boundaries and guidelines on the use of texting and social media.
In the end, the experience was a big developmental step forward. The team and each player performed better every week, which is a credit to the skill s of the coach. My daughter acquired leadership skill s and learned to stand up for what she believes in by speaking truth to a powerful man on campus. I consider the season a big success even though the team only won one game.
